“I can not teach anybody anything, i can only make them think” - Socrates
The reality is….. I could sit and write endlessly on this topic, but I don't want to lose you. My aim is to initiate thought and instigate change. If you can take anything from this blog, let it be this. It is your personal obligation and responsibility for YOUR happiness and fulfillment. You can find a nice partner, have children, buy a new house, a new car or boat, a new dress or bag, a new phone, go on a new holiday, get 10,000 new followers on social media and still end up at the end of the road feeling empty and unfulfilled. Your soul is yours, why would you ever put it into something or someone else’s hands and expect them to look after it when they have their own to look after. What a burden that must carry on the other person. If you can incrementally coincide your actions to your core values it is the first step to what I call internal alignment. The beautiful thing about this work is that no matter what position you are at in life, you can start right now.
As we enter the first half of 2023, mental health continues to be the sleeping pandemic that no one seems to have an answer for. Why, in these modern times are people feeling so miserable, unable to see the future as a prosperous world of possibilities. Sure, you can sit there and blame governments, politicians, your boss, your ex partner or anybody and anything external that makes you feel like you’ve been robbed of your own free will. But when you really sit and reflect on your life and truly look within, you will realize that every situation you find yourself in, every conversation you have, every path that you are on, has been a choice, generally led by your emotions. By practicing meditation and observing myself, my current circumstances and relationships with people I am able to observe from a place where my emotions are not present. I understand that just like the waves in the ocean, my emotions will come and go continuously, they don't define who I am, only my choices on how I respond to them, will ultimately define my character. Observing my own life objectively helps give clarity and rationality to my day.
In this practice I also reflect on what truly makes me feel fulfilled, accompanied with a thought provoking technique believed to be used by ancient roman emperor and philosopher Marcus Aurelius. I will meditate on my life and observe it 5 years from now in fine detail for about 20 minutes and ask myself a series of questions such as; Who will be around me? Will I be married? How will I be spending my days? What will I look like? Am I healthy? Am I a father? If so, what sort of father will I be? Where do I live? Am I happy? Am I fulfilled? Are my loved ones still around? What state will I be in and how will I cope when my loved ones pass? If I died tomorrow, would I be content with what i have accomplished? Who will grieve for me? The next night, i will be 10 years older than i am currently, the following night, 20 years older and so on.
At some point along the way you will stop, and your mortality will dawn on you. This is a very confronting exercise that uses timeline thinking and death as a motivational tool. As this exercise is confronting, I like to spend at least 5 minutes at the end of these meditations by practicing gratitude. The thought of losing a loved one, or even just thinking of yourself 20 years older in fine detail will make you all the more grateful for where you are right now and for those around you. Whatever the case may be for you, coming back to the present moment will put a gentle end to the meditation and you will find yourself in a place of gratefulness and with a fire in your belly to cease the day, live in accordance with your values and make the most of the time that you have left on this beautiful planet.
"Happiness without fulfilment is a failure"
- Tony Robbins
So, fulfillment, how do you attain it? Can it be attained? Is that just simply being happy? What do you define as happiness? Does your happiness depend on external motivators such as money, the moods of people around you, what sort of car you drive or what your social status is on media platforms? The way I see it, happiness is a state of being, it comes and goes in fleeting moments but generally, it doesn’t hang around for long. The more aware we are of what makes us happy, the more time we can spend in that state. Hence why you will hear “money doesn’t make you happy”. If we can pivot our expectations of happiness to internal, we are on the path to fulfilment.
The mindset of expecting something or someone else (external) to make us feel fulfilled needs to shift. These feelings of joy, happiness and fulfillment can only ever be sustained by you and the way you choose to perceive the events of your life. Fulfilment is a prolonged, more sustainable state of happiness. It is described as living a life of value and the meeting of a requirement. Let that sink in… Do you meet your own personal requirements? Do you know what your own requirements are? I mean, I get pretty happy when I eat some good food or when I travel to new countries and have new experiences, but we all know what post holiday blues feels like. You end up dreading coming home and going back to work and back on the hustle. Happy, but not fulfilled.
To fully understand what will make you feel fulfilled, you need to start by identifying what your core values are. This is you in your purest state, not driven by ego. When nobody is watching, who are you? What characteristics do you want to embody and have others perceive you as?
Here you can find a list of examples of core values, courtesy of: https://jamesclear.com/core-values
“Action precedes feelings, don’t wait for the right feelings to take action, the feelings will come after” - Elliott Stenson
ACTION
Once you have identified 3 to 5 core values that you truly identify with and consider a value that is ingrained in your character, then is time to take action. After all, just thinking alone that you are kind, compassionate or successful does not make you kind, compassionate or successful. You have to take action. When our actions do not coincide with our core values, we are left feeling dissatisfied and without a sense of meaning.
It is our repeated actions that define us over time, not our thoughts alone. This said, not only is it in our best interest to sit and identify what characteristics we want to embody, but it is imperative in the process to attain fulfillment in life itself. So, write down your core values on a piece of paper or type them into a computer, even in your notes on your phone. Below each core value, you should have at least 5 actions that you can carry out on a daily basis and over the course of the week that live up to each core value. (This is a baseline number, if you want to brainstorm more, then feel free) This doesn’t have to be a complicated list, for example your list may look like this:
( The actions are generalised and below them are specific actions in relation to the core value)
My Core Values (Example)
Kindness
Actions -
1. Be kind to myself
Compliment myself
Look after health
Workout/ Stretch every day
Eat nutritious foods
Meditate
2. Offer help to a stranger
Open doors
Help elderly people
Give someone a ride (but be cautious)
Spot them at the gym
Have a conversation with a homeless person
3. Do something kind for my housemate or family member
Do washing/ Fold washing
Keep the house clean and tidy all the time (not just when you can be bothered)
Clean the dishes after dinner without being asked
Mop the floors/ clean the shower/ bath
Mow the lawns
4. Cook or buy someone a meal
A friend
Family member
work colleague
Homeless person
Neighbor
5. Give more compliments
Compliment people on their work
Acknowledge hard work and commitment of others
Compliment people in the gym - they will love it!
A stranger in the street or in a cafe
Compliment yourself on your strengths and work on your weaknesses
Someone you think dislikes you - compliment them on something!
Compassion
Actions -
1. Practice self compassion
Learn to understand your emotions and feelings
Forgive yourself for your mistakes
Let self defeating thoughts pass, they are not truths
Identify and replace judgmental thoughts
Speak to yourself like you are somebody that you look up to
2. Show sympathy and compassion towards others
Take the time to actively listen, do not interrupt to give your opinion
Express genuine sorrow for others misfortunes
Aim to find common understanding between others rather than opposing beliefs or opinions
Understand somebody's pain and suffering - This does not mean take on their pain, just understand why their actions, words or thoughts may be skewed
Relieve the suffering of others
3. Create a positive outlook for someone that may be struggling or cannot see one themselves
Offer a new insight or perspective for someone
Take them away from their environment - Go for a walk and have a chat
Counter negative comments from others with positive ones
Be open to humor
Focus on solutions
4. Help others solve problems
Help somebody in distress
Assist co-workers in solving issues
Help a family member who might be struggling with something
Brainstorm solutions to your friends issues
Mitigate and minimize obstacles
5. Alleviate stress for others
Take some responsibilities from a colleague or friend
Go for a walk
Make them laugh or offer a humorous perspective
Strategise and brainstorm removing obstacles
Actively listen
Respect
Actions -
1. Practice self respect
Make decisions that empower you
Practice gratitude
Know your personal standards and live up to them
Do not tolerate being walked over or lied to
Be aware of your “circle” and friendship group. Surround yourself with people that will encourage you to be better and support that
Eat a healthy diet
Follow a strength routine
Get enough sleep
2. Practice active listening
Listen to understand, not to respond
Take mental notes on what people are saying and ask questions about them
Make eye contact
Focus your attention on the conversation
Stay off your phone
3. Be polite and use manners
Let people finish what they have to say before you speak - stay on topic
Say please and thank you/ show appreciation for small things that people do for you
Make eye contact when communicating
Clean up after yourself
Don’t be rude
4. Show gratitude to others
Show enthusiasm when communicating
Express your gratitude with words and actions
Gift somebody that you are grateful for
Make time for people that you are grateful for
Help others
5. Aim to understand indifferences in opinions with others
Be open minded to have your opinions refuted and challenged
Try to see things from a different perspective, even if you don't agree with it at first
Get your opinion across to someone without being rude or forceful
Offer new insights to somebody
Share factual knowledge
This list may look large and daunting at first but it shouldn't be, it should be an enjoyable activity and the expectation of completing each task every day is not realistic. By creating this list, it outlines what truly matters to you and gives you a multitude of actions to carry out each day. This is not the only way to attain fulfillment, but it is a very simplistic and powerful goal setting practice to identify and action your core values, so that throughout the days/weeks/months you have a physical document that you can reference and adjust, to keep yourself accountable. The beauty of a daily practice is that you do not have to fret if you can’t complete all of these actions in a day, that's why it's called a practice. Tomorrow, when the sun rises and you are lucky enough to be alive, you will have a clean slate to pull up your socks and try again.
Note that the first action on each core value is directed inwards, to the self. Your values are yours, therefore you must live by them. Be kind to yourself, be compassionate to yourself, and show respect to yourself first, manage your own stress levels first, create a positive outlook for your own future first, solve your own problems first, give yourself compliments first! Once you realise how good you can make yourself feel, you will feel empowered to expand outwards, your energy will become contagious and all of a sudden you will become a role model for your peers and for the people around you based solely on your dedication to your values.
"Quality is not an act, it is a habit" - Aristotle
Thank you for your time, I hope you enjoyed reading.
Elliott Stenson
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